you had me at 'hello'

I have dated many different types of guys throughout my 26 years of life. ('Dating' being a word used very loosely.)

-Seriously... Jaguar Drivers, truck washers, former exotic dancers, home owners, fathers, republicans, co-op shoppers, ice cream eaters, BMX riders, city slickers, salesmen (the worst!!), small town boys... you get the point.



My mind was stirred after reading a post written by one of my favorite bloggers, titled "What's your type, baby?." While reading the post, I realized that we all have our own standard of person we are willing to date. Do we always follow that standard to ensure that our Better Half falls within the guideline of our "type"? I had to think long and hard about "my type" of guy. But here it goes.....


He's Heavily Opinionated (im not saying judgemental) yet Open-Minded. He's Intuitive and Ambitious. He's Independent and enjoys living alone. He is a Man Of His Word and does what he says he's going to do. He's Humorous in a dry smirkish kind of way. He's Moderately Stubborn, and Cautious (non-committal?!?) He's Non-Materialistic and does not own an Xbox or Wii. He is Clean and Tidy - but no perfectionist. He throws away holey underwear and socks. He enjoys being home and can entertain himself in the absence of a television. He is passionate but doesn't have an overwhelming desire for intimacy.

I have realized that an amazing personality is much more attractive than a pretty face (although he MUST have an amazing smile - and smile often). I would much prefer to hang with someone that will stimulate my intellect through topics such as:

• Nutrition: I am veg ...therefore he MUST be veg... and healthy. We need to be able to share meals during an occasional restaurant visit. and let's face it, I will not allow dead rotting flesh in my kitchen.


• Culture: He would come well-equipped with a natural concern in matters such as the arts, manners, religion, music, worldly news, and conciousness of this earth.


• Music: An eclectic taste in music is crucial. I would expect him to introduce me to music I had never heard. No gangster rap, bubble gum pop music, or head banging obnoxiousness on my guy's IPOD.


• Travel: No second date for the guy that has not travelled out of his home state. No First date for the guy unwilling to travel outside of his home state.

Although looks are not of high importance when it comes to choosing my Potential Better Half, An amazing ass (especially in jeans) is a Bonus - borderline crucial. (i'm just sayin..)

He may be spotted wearing Sport Coats & Pumas. Straight leg pants or Diesel Jeans - accessorized by a fancy belt. A cashemere sweater, or a v-neck t-shirt smothered in the scent of a man. My man. He dresses simply and let's his personality do the talking.

*Immediate action given to the man hiding tightie whities and a wife beater underneathe his outer layer of clothing. (Wanna come over tonight??)

His style would be subtle, but unique.

Perfection would entail bottling all of this up and transforming him in to the form of creme brulee.

Although, I would claim to be willing to overlook this criteria for the man that has an excessive amount of dough $$ in his bank account, BUT I am not swooned by offers of cash advancements and expensive material goods. I am simply turned off by the exterior vulnerability and the willingness to exchange "love" for $$.


kiss my wounds

love me tender

buy me flowers i've never seen

wake me up from my dreams

to bring me french toast and tea

in the morning light

fly across country to spend

the night

you said you'd steer a boat across the atlantic

cuz you're so f*ck'n romantic

i can't stand it

when i look in your eyes

unconditionalness sweetness uncompromised

you set the standard for many things

i wasn't sure what it would bring

you're so f*ck'n romantic

other men wouldn't call

just to say "i love you"

take your time

but i miss you

is it okay

if i see you

i'll kiss you everywhere anywhere

damn sure, me

please let this moment be

you're always tempting me

cuz you're so f*ck'n romantic

we say the same words

at the same time

i start a sentence

you finish mine

laugh at my jokes when i wanna cry

and when i feel lost

i look in your eyes

even in front of your boys

you wouldn't lie

you say"i gotta see my baby tonight"

cuz you're so f*ck'n romantic

kiss me 'til i'm frantic
-goapele-

PS. Did I mention that I will only settle for a domesticated man? One that cooks, cleans, does dishes, AND laundry?

i'm just sayin'

xox

you can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather

9 AM. Finally home. After 6 tough days in Lake Geneva. Hair Show. 2000 Hairdressers. I worked. And Worked. and worked. And sat through meetings. And was never NOT in someone else's face. There was no free time. No time alone. No time to step away. No time to be a friend. My mind drove me crazy the entire week for various reasons. My guard was let down. I have experienced anxiety among many other emotions, which rarely happens. It feels good to be home. I can relax, deal with my life, and escape the madness. Reflecting on the weekend, Here are a few things that I re-realized:

• I am uncomfortable with people that are insecure and uncomfortable with themselves.



• You never know when someone is going to change their mind.



• I DO have feelings.



• I DO NOT appreciate people fucking with me.



• I do not respect weakness and vulnerability



• Often times, when I develop a crush, it is based on personality and conversation rather than looks (I don't develop many crushes)



• Love is a battlefield.

"What is most commonly called "falling in love" is in most cases an identification of egoic wanting and needing. You become addicted to another person, or rather to your image of that person. It has nothing to do with true love, which contains no wanting whatsoever. The Spanish language is the most honest in regard to conventional notions of love: Te quiero means "I want you" as well as "I love you." The other expression for "I love you," te amo, which does not have this ambiguity, is rarely used-perhaps because true love is just rare."

-Eckhart Tolle "A New Earth

build me up just to let me down.

I will be surprised if my head does not explode before this day is over. I have lived out the full meaning of the phrase "When it rains, it pours." Very rarely do I get upset, pissed off, angry, or feel pity for myself. Today happens to be an exception. I have allowed myself feelings of anxiety, despise, nervousness, and anger. Along with those feelings have come nausea and headaches.

I just purchased a new car and have been dealing with the service department to get my car in good working order. Due to temptation, I took the car off the lot the day they received it on to the lot. SO for some reason it has been quite the challenge to get my car in to the service department to have it serviced just the way it would have been prior to them ever displaying it on the lot. The tires are brand new and have already gone flat (of course they blame me after they figure out total amount of $$'s they will have to spend to replace it), the windshield wipers need to be replaced, they act like idiots about hooking my car up to a computer system to ensure everything is good and I have yet to get the damn thing detailed!... and blah blah blah blah blah... I have taken my car back to the dealership (Denny Hecker Rosedale Hyundai) 4 x's since I have purchased and it STILL has not been fully serviced! The guys in the service dept. work for themselves, not to service their customers. If there has ever been a time in my life that I could have taken a gun and pointed it directly at someones face ruthlessly, it would have been today. (AND plenty of days spent with this guy I dated back in the day.....) I was lured in to this car that was more money that I wanted to spend... and it is turning out to be a disaster! The unfortunate thing is that I have already signed all the paperwork. The car is mine. It is too late to give it back.

!#@@$#%%^$^&*(*^&$^&%^^&^&*()*)*^&%^$#%#$%@$!#$@#%#^$%^?!!!!!!!!

And that's not all folks. Dating & Relationships have been on my mind today. ALL day today and ALL day yesterday and the night before yesterday. For quite some time now, the act of 'dating' has intrigued me. I find that it can often be labled as 'non-dating.'

A few years back, I got involved with this guy that lived in a different state than myself. He happened to be going through some 'things' at that time in his life when I met him. That was ok, we hit it off well, enjoyed each other's company, found time to see each other - in fact, he would drive 3 1/2 hours to see me when he got off work at 6 PM, and wake up extra early in the AM to drive another 3 1/2 hours back to work. We always considered ourselves to be in a 'non-relationship.'

Non-Relationship: The act of being in a relationship, but the unwillingness to openly admit to it. Non-relationships are typically much easier to skeet out of because "technically" the two involved are not 'commited' to each other.

(Who would have thought that 'non-relationships' would become the hot trend for the 20-30 somethings?? - Gotta keep options open!!!)

Due to distance, eventually we both kind of... moved on ...out of our non-relationship, but we remained friends... UNTIL he met another chick. In another state. That refused him other chick friends. As that relationship was ending, He begged and pleaded to see me over the holidays, I agreed -and he flaked! For her. Eventually, he realized she wasn't the one for him (really?!?! heh.) and he sought out my friendship once again. I eventually allowed him back in.

A few months passed, and some very bad things happened to this guy again - of course I was the only person that stood by his side, besides his mom and sister. Lately, this guy has had some real emotional problems, I continue to support him. He texts or calls about once a day to keep me updated on what's going on.

What I realized today, as he was asking to see me this holiday - is that he has dumped on me so many times and refused my friendship for some fling or some chick... and always comes running back, begging for the friendship that we once had.

I know that our friendship will be forever, he will always hold a special place in my heart... and I worry about him.... but how many times around can you be dumped on and begged back in?

So.. back to the 'non-relationship' trend happeneing these days. I, myself am definitely a person that likes to keep my options open. It is hard for me to cut off all connections that I may have to settle down with one person that may or may not stick around for very long. Needless to say, I have not really been in the situation to make a decision about settling down or not - because people these days are not about 'settling down'... they too, want to keep their options open.
As move in to our early 20's... we keep our options are open... mid-20's.. and options are still open... 30's... and options are still open.... when does there come a point that you are willing to take the risk to commit yourself to one person and move in to what's called a.... 'relationship'???

It seems that so often, I am lured in to a guy's life through friendship... travel... happy times.. etc, but most often as a guy first starts to pursue me, I heavily reject. I question what they want from me... why they want to spend so much time with me... why I would even be interested in them in the first place... because often times from the outside looking in, I can already see that they are not ready for any type of relationship with me or anyone else!!!! SO WHY PURSUE ME IN THE FIRST PLACE??? A glorified friendship?? With sex???

For those that stick around long enough, eventually I let allow then to become a part of my life... and everything seems to go well for a while. We hang out, have a good time, get to know each other, learn more and more about each other every day - right up to the point where we learn that we either:

A. Have Baggage of some sort
B. Have future plans to move to some far away place ...alone... without the other
C. We are just not interested in anything more with each other than sex + friendship.

It never fails. It always happens. I can always see it coming.
When this information is discovered, either A,B, or C... the slight relationship that we seemed to have been building starts to dissolve. And we eventually move on... stay in touch... hook back up every now and then.... and then move on again. (good thing I didn't drop everyone I know for THAT guy)

So today, and the last few days, I have been wondering to myself... how many more times am I going to get myself in to this situation ...that I take the time to get to know someone that seems fairly interested... just to find out that he (or me) is not looking for a relationship right now... OR he comes clean about the baggage that he carries (that I asked not to be a part of in the first place)... How many more times am I going to be built up.... just to be let down??

I have found that dating has become a 'game.' You play me, I play you, we play with each other... make the right moves to get the reaction that we are looking for... and say things to manipulate a certain reaction out each other. I do it. I say things that I know will cause a certain reaction... I don't just say the things the other person wants to hear. I say the things that will manipulate the other person to say what I want to hear. Certainley, if I am doing it - they are doing it as well. Another question that I ask myself tonight is... how long will this game go on?

Unfortunatley, lines like:

"I'm sorry to bring you in to all of my drama and baggage, I understand if you need to walk away (after I pulled you in to it)"
"I can't do what I want to do when I want to do it because I am at the mercy of my ex"
"Don't compliment me, because you're probably all talk"
"I'm sorry ...I had a whole lot of shit to deal with but it won't happen again this year"

..aren't the lines I am willing to hear too many more times. I'm done messing around. And I'm done being everyone's friend. I can do bad all by myself.