build me up just to let me down.

I will be surprised if my head does not explode before this day is over. I have lived out the full meaning of the phrase "When it rains, it pours." Very rarely do I get upset, pissed off, angry, or feel pity for myself. Today happens to be an exception. I have allowed myself feelings of anxiety, despise, nervousness, and anger. Along with those feelings have come nausea and headaches.

I just purchased a new car and have been dealing with the service department to get my car in good working order. Due to temptation, I took the car off the lot the day they received it on to the lot. SO for some reason it has been quite the challenge to get my car in to the service department to have it serviced just the way it would have been prior to them ever displaying it on the lot. The tires are brand new and have already gone flat (of course they blame me after they figure out total amount of $$'s they will have to spend to replace it), the windshield wipers need to be replaced, they act like idiots about hooking my car up to a computer system to ensure everything is good and I have yet to get the damn thing detailed!... and blah blah blah blah blah... I have taken my car back to the dealership (Denny Hecker Rosedale Hyundai) 4 x's since I have purchased and it STILL has not been fully serviced! The guys in the service dept. work for themselves, not to service their customers. If there has ever been a time in my life that I could have taken a gun and pointed it directly at someones face ruthlessly, it would have been today. (AND plenty of days spent with this guy I dated back in the day.....) I was lured in to this car that was more money that I wanted to spend... and it is turning out to be a disaster! The unfortunate thing is that I have already signed all the paperwork. The car is mine. It is too late to give it back.

!#@@$#%%^$^&*(*^&$^&%^^&^&*()*)*^&%^$#%#$%@$!#$@#%#^$%^?!!!!!!!!

And that's not all folks. Dating & Relationships have been on my mind today. ALL day today and ALL day yesterday and the night before yesterday. For quite some time now, the act of 'dating' has intrigued me. I find that it can often be labled as 'non-dating.'

A few years back, I got involved with this guy that lived in a different state than myself. He happened to be going through some 'things' at that time in his life when I met him. That was ok, we hit it off well, enjoyed each other's company, found time to see each other - in fact, he would drive 3 1/2 hours to see me when he got off work at 6 PM, and wake up extra early in the AM to drive another 3 1/2 hours back to work. We always considered ourselves to be in a 'non-relationship.'

Non-Relationship: The act of being in a relationship, but the unwillingness to openly admit to it. Non-relationships are typically much easier to skeet out of because "technically" the two involved are not 'commited' to each other.

(Who would have thought that 'non-relationships' would become the hot trend for the 20-30 somethings?? - Gotta keep options open!!!)

Due to distance, eventually we both kind of... moved on ...out of our non-relationship, but we remained friends... UNTIL he met another chick. In another state. That refused him other chick friends. As that relationship was ending, He begged and pleaded to see me over the holidays, I agreed -and he flaked! For her. Eventually, he realized she wasn't the one for him (really?!?! heh.) and he sought out my friendship once again. I eventually allowed him back in.

A few months passed, and some very bad things happened to this guy again - of course I was the only person that stood by his side, besides his mom and sister. Lately, this guy has had some real emotional problems, I continue to support him. He texts or calls about once a day to keep me updated on what's going on.

What I realized today, as he was asking to see me this holiday - is that he has dumped on me so many times and refused my friendship for some fling or some chick... and always comes running back, begging for the friendship that we once had.

I know that our friendship will be forever, he will always hold a special place in my heart... and I worry about him.... but how many times around can you be dumped on and begged back in?

So.. back to the 'non-relationship' trend happeneing these days. I, myself am definitely a person that likes to keep my options open. It is hard for me to cut off all connections that I may have to settle down with one person that may or may not stick around for very long. Needless to say, I have not really been in the situation to make a decision about settling down or not - because people these days are not about 'settling down'... they too, want to keep their options open.
As move in to our early 20's... we keep our options are open... mid-20's.. and options are still open... 30's... and options are still open.... when does there come a point that you are willing to take the risk to commit yourself to one person and move in to what's called a.... 'relationship'???

It seems that so often, I am lured in to a guy's life through friendship... travel... happy times.. etc, but most often as a guy first starts to pursue me, I heavily reject. I question what they want from me... why they want to spend so much time with me... why I would even be interested in them in the first place... because often times from the outside looking in, I can already see that they are not ready for any type of relationship with me or anyone else!!!! SO WHY PURSUE ME IN THE FIRST PLACE??? A glorified friendship?? With sex???

For those that stick around long enough, eventually I let allow then to become a part of my life... and everything seems to go well for a while. We hang out, have a good time, get to know each other, learn more and more about each other every day - right up to the point where we learn that we either:

A. Have Baggage of some sort
B. Have future plans to move to some far away place ...alone... without the other
C. We are just not interested in anything more with each other than sex + friendship.

It never fails. It always happens. I can always see it coming.
When this information is discovered, either A,B, or C... the slight relationship that we seemed to have been building starts to dissolve. And we eventually move on... stay in touch... hook back up every now and then.... and then move on again. (good thing I didn't drop everyone I know for THAT guy)

So today, and the last few days, I have been wondering to myself... how many more times am I going to get myself in to this situation ...that I take the time to get to know someone that seems fairly interested... just to find out that he (or me) is not looking for a relationship right now... OR he comes clean about the baggage that he carries (that I asked not to be a part of in the first place)... How many more times am I going to be built up.... just to be let down??

I have found that dating has become a 'game.' You play me, I play you, we play with each other... make the right moves to get the reaction that we are looking for... and say things to manipulate a certain reaction out each other. I do it. I say things that I know will cause a certain reaction... I don't just say the things the other person wants to hear. I say the things that will manipulate the other person to say what I want to hear. Certainley, if I am doing it - they are doing it as well. Another question that I ask myself tonight is... how long will this game go on?

Unfortunatley, lines like:

"I'm sorry to bring you in to all of my drama and baggage, I understand if you need to walk away (after I pulled you in to it)"
"I can't do what I want to do when I want to do it because I am at the mercy of my ex"
"Don't compliment me, because you're probably all talk"
"I'm sorry ...I had a whole lot of shit to deal with but it won't happen again this year"

..aren't the lines I am willing to hear too many more times. I'm done messing around. And I'm done being everyone's friend. I can do bad all by myself.

Disturbia.

I found some information I needed to share. WARNING: May Be Disturbing.

-Americans eat more meat than anybody on Earth packing away approx 200 pounds per person in 2005, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, which forecasts that we will add another 20pounds of it annually by 2016.

-the Union of Concerned Scientists points out that 70 percent of the antibiotics sold in the United States are used to treat healthy livestock... what does this say about our own health?

-2,500: The number of livestock animals butchered for each meat-eating American in his or her lifetime.

-Americans throw 22.5million pounds of meat in the garbage every day - the equivalent of 15,000 cows, 36,000 hogs and 2 million chickens.

-"Healthy People 2010" report showed that vegetarians typically weigh less than meat eaters and suffer from lower rates of type 2 diabetes and other diseases.

All of this information was pulled from an article entitled "Of Calves and Carnivores" in Oct 2008 issue of Mpls St Paul Magazine.

Mr. ______ Goes to Washington

I am currently wearing my "I Voted" sticker. Finally. I've done my part. Done what I can do. Now.... it's time to sit back, cross my fingers and hope the best man "wins." I know I voted for the best man, because I read and fully understood Michael Moore's 2008 Election Guide.

My day started out in a salon with a group of people that I do not know very well. As the stylists walked through the door with "I voted" stickers proudly worn on their shirts, the salon manager asked each one of them: "Did you vote for MY guy?" --Talk about putting them on the spot!! Some responded with yes's and a few responded with no's. Although, I had the feeling I was in the middle of McCain country, there was no way I was going to question which candidate these stylists had voted for. I made the comment that even though we all have our strong political views and preferences, I think that it is safe to say that both presidential candidates are ready to make positive changes in this country. They are both on OUR side - they are both fighting for the american people. The salon manager did not agree... she shook her head and said ...no that she does not agree with that. I quickly changed the subject and never did find out who these people had voted for.

Cruising down the street, approaching my neighborhood, I notice people everywhere rallying in the streets showing their support for.... Barack Obama. I honked my horn a few times to show some love. I ended up at the Franklin Public Library around 5 PM Central time to cast my vote. I am pretty sure I was the only White Chick in the house. I live in a neighborhood that is predominantly Somlian. Come to find out, Somalian people do hang out at the library, but they do not vote. One of the benefits to living in my neighborhood is that there are NO WAITING LINES TO VOTE! I was in and out fairly quickly. I simply stated my name, NEVER showed ID, given my ballot after confirming my address, put in a booth next to a woman who could not read and was screaming across the room for help, fed my ballot in to a machine, and was out the door -proudly wearing my "I Voted" sticker. MY vote had been counted.

As I walked around the corner and down the block to my car, 2 guys stood on a porch and were hollering "OBAMA! OBAMA!" I hollered back "WHOO HOO!" to show my support. As I approached my car, I heard one of them say "Daaaaamn! She gettin in a Porsche!"

Sorry guys.... it's just an Acura TL.

As the night continues on, I have found myself at home... alone... in PJ's... blogging. I'm not quite sure what to do right now. I have listened to POTUS on XM Radio all day - every day - for weeks. I can not handle any more presidential/political talk. I am ready for RESULTS. It must end! It seems that as we come to the end of a never-ending presidential race, we will wake up tomorrow to a new America, a new way of doing/seeing things. It shall be refreshing.

I am not sure whether I will stay home tonight (where I lack cable TV) alone... listening to XM Radio (or CNN)... OR head out to some bar or restaurant to experience this day going down in history with someone elses friends and some cable TV...... Either way.... it feels good to be a part of it. The only thing I would have done differently is to head to Chicago for the night... the place that I AND Barack call... 'home.'

Everything you need to know about my HALLOWEEN experience: